Losing Grip
by Simply Us
Summary: Two different people, two different lives, with nothing in common except a wish to die. Love comes from the most unexpected place: rehab center. Can they find solace in each other's company? Or will they succumb to the darkness in them? NxM
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: We do not own Gakuen Alice**

**Author's Note: Hey, everyone! This is our first story, yay! We've been working hard on this so please be kind enough to** **review!**

**Losing Grip**

**_Written by: SimplyUs_**

* * *

_**Prologue**_

_As far as I can tell  
It's just voices in my head  
Am I talking to myself?  
'Cause I don't know what I just said _

_As far as where I fell  
Maybe I'm better off dead  
Am I at the end of nowhere  
Is this as good as it gets? _

_And now I've been gone for so long  
I can't remember who was wrong  
All innocence is long gone  
I pledge allegiance to a world of disbelief  
Where I belong _

_A walking disaster  
The son of all bastards  
You regret you made me  
It's too late to save me_

_-Walking Disaster by Sum41- _

**_Mikan's P.O.V_**

The lights flickered as I lay on my back on the stretcher. A couple of people who looked like doctors where on one side of the stretcher while Hotaru was on the other side. I turned my head slightly to look at her; tears were streaming down her face.

"Hotaru," I whispered hoarsely. My throat felt dry. "W-what's happening?"

"Don't worry Mikan. You're going to be okay," she said.

"What happened?" I asked again. That's when she burst into tears, crying her heart out.

"Ma'am," one of the doctors said. "You've got to go. We're entering the ER room now." Hotaru immediately let go of the stretcher as I was brought inside a room. I was placed under a light. A lady came up to me with a syringe; she lightly tapped the needle and inserted it in my arm.

Everything started to blurred; I felt so sleepy and my eyes started to droop. I slowly slipped out of consciousness as everything came back to me.

_***_

_I picked up my cup of coffee as Hotaru entered the kitchen. Hotaru was dressed in a dark blue skirt with a white top. "Hey, Mikan." She called me but I didn't respond. _

_"I heard you didn't turn up at the café today." _

_"I quit." I took a sip of my coffee._

_"You quit without telling your boss?"_

_"Fine, if I should." I got up and walked up to her. "I quit," I said, handing her the cup as I went to sit on the sofa. Hotaru followed me; she watched me switched on the TV and sighed. "Mikan, it's been three months. You can't go on moping forever."_

_"Watch me," I replied grimly._

_"Mikan." She placed the cup on the table._

_"What do you want, Hotaru?" I shouted._

_"I hate seeing you like this. The Mikan I knew would never behave this way… I never saw her moping and I want her back."_

_"The Mikan you knew died three months ago."_

_"I don't believe that's true. Look, why don't you come with me tonight and we'll ask Ruka to take us to one of the club? It'll be nice to meet new people. What do you say?"_

_I didn't respond. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to meet new people. I just wanted to be left alone. _

_The doorbell rang. Hotaru hesitated to leave but she went to open it. "Hi, Ruka; come in." Hotaru came back with Ruka and a bouquet of flowers. _

_"Hey, Mikan," Ruka said. I responded by waving my hand. _

_"I'll just put these in a vase," Hotaru said as she went in to the kitchen. "Oh, Ruka would it be okay if Mikan came with us? Maybe we could go to a club."_

_"Well, sure. I don't mind," he said. _

_Hotaru came back with the flowers which were now in a vase. "So, what do you say Mikan?"_

_"No; I don't think I'll come." Hotaru looked at Ruka who shrugged. _

_"Ruka, why don't you wait out for a while? I'll come out in a minute."_

_"Sure. Bye, Mikan." _

_Hotaru sighed. "Mikan, why can't you just…"_

_"Look, I've made my decision. Now go have fun," I said, switching channels. I didn't bother to look at her. I heard her walk away and the sound of her slamming the door shut._

_I switched off the TV and walked towards the bathroom. I took out a note which I had written a few weeks back. I opened one of the cupboards and took out one of the medicine bottle. I placed one on my palm, and then emptied the entire content. I put them into my mouth and swallowed them. I placed the note on one of the shelves and took out a small knife from my pocket._

_A tear made its way down my cheek._

_I held my wrist and placed the knife on it._

**_I'm so sorry Hotaru. I can't stand my life anymore…not without Ryan._**

_**Please forgive me**._

_"I'm so sorry." I whispered as I pressed the knife on my wrist, slitting it with as much force as I could muster. _

_***_

I was lying on one of the hospital beds. There was a white cloth wrapped around my left wrist and an IV attached to my right hand. Hotaru was sitting on the chair next to my bed.

"How was I rescued so quickly?"

"I sensed that something was wrong and came to the apartment. When no one answered the door, I panicked."

"But why? Didn't you read my note? I wanted to die."

"…"

"Hotaru, please just let me go. I can't continue living anymore."

"Look, I've had enough of this shit! Everyday we have the same argument. Every single day, Mikan! You think you're the only one who's hurting but just so you know, seeing you depressed everyday makes my heart sad. It hurts me too!" she shouted.

"I didn't know."

"The doctors said that you might be suffering from um…what's it called? I don't know but it has something to do with depression. Anyway they suggested for you to be sent to a rehabilitation center for recovery."

"So, that's it, isn't it? You think I've gone mad," I shouted trying to get up but I couldn't. I looked down and saw my hand strapped to the bed. "What the hell is this?!"

"The doctors said you might try to commit suicide again. Mikan, it's for your own good. Now, please stop struggling."

"No! Get me out of this thing!" I screamed.

"No, Mikan. Stop!"

"No, I'm not going anywhere! No!" Doctors rushed into the room and one of them had a syringe. "No!" The doctor inserted it in my arm while the others tried to hold me still. "Let go of me!" I screamed even louder.

Then I calmed down as everything became blurry. "Please don't let them take me away." I whispered. "Ryan…"

**Natsume's POV**

I could hear a faint buzzing sound around me. I couldn't see anything, everything was black. There was an unexplainable ache in my body. What was this place? Was this Heaven or Hell? It must be Hell, for there's no way I would end up in Heaven, considering everything I had done.

The brief story of my life flashed in front of me: a six-year-old me witnessing my mother talking to the air, a seven-year-old me meeting my father for the very first time, a nine-year-old me seeing my mother crying like there's no tomorrow, a ten-year-old me helping my mother unpacking our things to our new house, an eleven-year-old me seeing my mother screaming at no one in particular and hitting herself, a twelve-year-old me hugged by my smiling mother, a thirteen-year-old me seeing my mother's lifeless figure on the floor with an empty medicine bottle beside her, a thirteen-year-old me being escorted by the police to stay with my father, a thirteen-year-old me seeing my new 'family' for the very first time, a fourteen-year-old me standing at the corner of the classroom, a fifteen-year-old me surrounded by girls after a basketball game, a fifteen-year-old me on top of a cliff, a sixteen-year-old me throwing things to my bedroom's wall, and finally, a seventeen-year-old me with a gun pointed to my chest.

Did it hurt when I pulled the trigger?

I didn't know. I remembered briefly contemplating on where to shoot: my head or my chest. I decided to point the gun to my chest, hoping the bullet would go straight to my heart, stopping it from beating. Was I hesitating when I pulled the trigger? As far as I knew, I didn't. I knew what I wanted and I had enough of my fucked up life.

Through my half-closed eyelids, I could see my sister coming to the room, screaming loudly. Why was she home? I thought nobody was supposed to be home. Why was she screaming? Was she afraid that I had stained the carpet of my room? Or was she horrified that she had to see a soon-to-be corpse? Was she afraid that I would haunt her for the rest of her life? Would she ask her parents to move out of the house, afraid of the memory in this room?

She frantically reached for the phone in my room. I didn't know who she was calling and I didn't give a damn about it. I was finally freed of all this pain, but would I really die? Had the bullet hit my heart? Or was it halted by my ribs? Why was I still seeing my room? Or maybe I had died and I was a ghost now?

She was crying now, kneeling beside me. Why was she crying? Did she care for me? Why was I still in a lot of pain? I wanted to die; I wanted to go after my mother and everybody else that died before me. I didn't want to stay here and live my messed up life. What was the point of living actually?

I didn't have the chance to think again for I lost my consciousness that minute, finally falling to a deep slumber.

***

My not-so-peaceful sleep wasn't for long though, I woke up to an unfamiliar room. My head hurt and I was sure that I hadn't died yet. I heard the beeping sound of a heart monitor and figured out that I was in the hospital. My so-called parents were standing beside my bed, both looking either angry or worried. My sister was nowhere to be found.

"Natsume, what were you thinking?!" my father yelled at me. I didn't answer him. What was I thinking? He wouldn't understand even if I answered. My step-mother sobbed quietly beside him, her long auburn hair in a mess. How long had I been in here?

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared all of us," she said.

My head throbbed with pain, my eyes squinting, adjusting to the light. I couldn't believe this. I was alive. Alive, of all things. Alive was the least thing I wanted in the world. I wanted to succumb into the darkness again. I should've shot my head. That way, I would be dead for sure. I shouldn't have been afraid of brain damages. What good could my brain do when I was dead?

"Answer me, Natsume," my father said sternly. I glared at him. "Fine, you won't answer us now, but you'll have to answer us immediately. I have to tell you though, the doctors are putting you under a suicide watch for the next few days and then you'll be sent to a rehabilitation center."

_Whatever you say, dad, I don't care._ I might not be dead physically, but I was already dead emotionally. It was just a matter of time before my physical being would die as well; I just had to wait again.

"Natsume, why? You can always talk to us if you have problems. Why must you do it? We're here, Natsume," my step-mother said.

_No, you're never there. I don't need other people's help._ I wanted to tell them so, but I was numb, I couldn't move.

"Your mother is right, Natsume. We're here, and your sister is here as well," he said.

_No, both of you are not, my sister isn't even here. And she's not my mother._ If they wanted to help me so much, then why now? Why not before? Where were they when I needed them the most? Did I ever need them? I didn't think so.

It was too late now… I was too deep in the darkness for them to save me.

**End of Prologue**

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	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: We do not own Gakuen Alice**

**Chapter one: Easier To Run**

"_Something has been taken  
From deep inside of me  
A secret, I've kept locked away  
No one can ever see  
Wounds so deep, they never show  
They never go away  
Like moving pictures in my head  
For years and years they've played."_

_- Easier To Run by Linkin Park_

**Hyuuga Natsume**

I hated this place with so much passion. Why must my father send me here? Did I do something wrong? Was it wrong for me to try to end my life? I didn't think it was a wrong thing to do. Why should I continue to live? Why was I even born?

People struggled every single day to continue living, but what was it that caused them to struggle so hard? They woke up, they worked, they ate, they slept, and the pattern repeated itself on and on. Some people barely had enough to eat, yet they struggled to live, what was the purpose? Life . . . Was it really that wonderful? Was there really such thing as a meaningful life? Where would we go once we died? Why should we try so hard when we knew we would die and all those efforts we did would just go to waste?

Was I the odd one out? Or were they the odd ones? I felt perfectly normal, I felt fine. I just didn't think the same way as other people. Was it a crime to think that way? We were born biased.

I closed my eyes; my head hurt so much from all the thinking. I hated this condition, I hated this feeling. However, sometimes I longed for this feeling, I longed for my depression yet I resented it when it was there. I wanted to free myself from all of this, but I couldn't.

I couldn't help but wonder why my father–or perhaps I should refer to him as Kouhei since he didn't really certify to be my father–decided to send me here. Death was a lot better than this place. I hated this world, I hated this place, I hated everything. Why had I been so stupid to forget locking the door that day? If only I had locked the door, I wouldn't be here right now. I would be in a freaking unknown place to humans, or else referred as Hell.

I sat down on the bench overlooking the lush garden. It had been two weeks since I was admitted to this place, but the doctors said that I had made no progress at all. How could I make progress when I didn't even want to recover? Sure, I wanted to be freed of these feelings, but I longed for them whenever I was normal. My life was full of uncertainty: it felt like I was treading water, I could drown to the blue any second or I could suddenly leap out of it.

Several patients were doing their morning exercises, smiles on their face. I had forgotten how to smile a long time ago. Was it really pleasant to smile? Even during my mania, I couldn't smile despite how good I felt. I had lost my feelings a long time ago, or perhaps not.

"Natsume! There you are. You have a visitor," one of the helpers told me. The girl had shoulder length red hair with dim brown eyes. I vaguely remembered her name as Misaki or something, all I knew was that she was dating the other stupid helper, Tsubasa.

I nodded and followed her to the visiting room, not even taking a second to wonder who might visit me. The room was painted a dull shade of gray, with several tables lined against the wall. There, on one of the chairs, sat my step-sister, Aoi. It had been weeks since I last saw her; she wasn't even there in the hospital when I woke up. Her raven hair had grown longer, reaching up to her shoulder. She had the same hair color with me that we inherited from Kouhei. Her eye color, however, was different from me. She had dark brown eyes which she inherited from her mother, Sara, while my eyes were a deep shade of crimson like bloodshot eyes, which I inherited from Kaoru, my deceased mother.

Uh-huh, we're not born from the same mother. Aoi was three months younger than me. You see, my father wasn't the most faithful man out there. He was engaged to Sara, but claimed he didn't love her. At that time, he was in a relationship with Kaoru. They had been dating for four years and were planning on running away. However, he suddenly fell in love with Sara and left Kaoru, with me in her womb. Lovely, wasn't it?

"Natsume, how are you?" Aoi asked as I sat on the chair opposite of her. She looked even thinner than I remembered.

"Do you even need to ask?" I retorted coldly. She looked hurt by my harsh words, but I couldn't care less. I didn't have a heart anymore.

"I'm sorry, it's just . . . it's been a long time since I last talked to you . . . and . . . and . . ."

"And you still can't believe what I did? Yeah, whatever. What can I say? Crazy runs in the family. Not yours though, so don't worry of being infected," I spat the words angrily.

She tugged a loose strand of her hair, a sign that she was extremely nervous. She had a bad habit of playing with her hair or biting her nails when she was nervous. "Dad thought it might be a good thing for me to come and talk to you," she whispered.

"Good for him, not for me," I said. She looked like she was on the verge of crying. Fine, maybe I still had feelings. "It's not your fault," I said quickly. I hated Kouhei, I hated Sara, but I couldn't hate Aoi. Aoi wasn't to blame for all of this, she was simply born.

"I'm really sorry," she murmured, tears streaming down her face.

I averted my gaze from her and stared at the dull gray wall for as long as I could. She would try to say something, only to shut up again. I stared to my right, through the glass window overlooking the entrance to Alice Rehabilitation Center. A brunette walked past the window, escorted by Narumi, one of the psychiatrists.

"I . . . I should go now," Aoi said.

"Hn."

I went back to my room, even though I had other choices on how to spend my day. Well, not many choices actually, I could either relax in the TV room or go to Church with the other patients. I profusely refused the latter; I didn't give a damn about things such as religion. No matter what I did, I would end up in Hell.

I didn't have to do a lot of chores here as well, especially since the chores mainly involved working in the kitchen, and well, kitchen meant there would be sharp things. The doctors feared that I might try to stab myself or something in the kitchen, so I was steered out of the kitchen. Yeah, that's a reasonable fear, who knew when I would lose control of my emotion again?

My life is so damn complicated.

***

I stared at the ceiling of my room. The room was boring and wasn't properly decorated. It contained only of two bunks, which meant I might have a roommate soon, a drawer, and a desk. Of course they made sure not to put sharp things inside the room. Heck, I wasn't a cutter, what was they so afraid of? I mean, seriously? Could I kill myself with a paper cut? Stupid retarded psychiatrists.

I was left with nothing to do today, except for my therapy session an hour after this. Somehow, the class was canceled and we were free for the rest of the day. Not like it mattered anyway.

Tsubasa, a stupid helper of the rehab center, poked his head into my room without knocking. Hadn't he heard of privacy? What if I was naked? Not that it mattered to him anyway. "Hey, ready for your therapy session? I know it's normally not for another hour, but Persona is free today. "

I shuddered inwardly upon the mention of Persona. That guy was bad news to the kids in here. Oh yeah, this rehab center was only for kids under the age of eighteen. Persona, whose real name was Dr. Serio, insisted to be called that way for an unknown reason.

I ignored Tsubasa as usual and went straight out of my room, to the psychiatric ward. Tsubasa was supposed to guide me of course, but I knew the way already. I mean, we had therapy session everyday, so only a moron wouldn't be able to memorize the way, although I had to admit that the hallways were rather confusing. On my way to Persona's office, a brunette came running towards my direction, her arm brushed mine when she ran past me. She had her hands covering her face, obviously she was crying. I recognized her as the new girl that I saw three days ago. Typical, she must be freaked out due to her first session. Persona could be very menacing.

I went into the ward and sat down on the vinyl chair. The psychiatric ward looked a tad depressing actually and I wondered why the room was designed this way: dull gray wall, gray chair, everything was black. It was just Persona's office actually, Narumi's wasn't this way. In fact, Narumi's office was a little too bright for my taste.

On the seat behind the table was seated a man with black hair and black eyes, a creepy smile on his face. His expression was smug and I had to restrain the urge to give the guy a black eye.

"Hello, Natsume, feeling fine today?" he asked pleasantly.

"Do you even need to ask? I wouldn't be here if I'm fine," I said acidly. What a dumb question. They should know better about our condition, so why should they waste our time with meaningless question such as that? At least he was better than Narumi; Narumi would ask more nonsensical questions than the one Persona asked. Nevertheless, I hated both of them.

"I see you've made no progress at all. Now, now, we don't want you to go back to being locked in your room, right?"

I glared at him. "I don't give a damn about that. Locked or not, doesn't make any differences to my life."

He shook his head. "You're a lost child, Natsume, and I'm here to guide you back to the right direction." He paused. "Now, let us begin. Tell me what you feel about your family."

I shut my mouth, I didn't want to talk to him, nor did I want to talk to anybody. He gave me a menacing glare, but I glared back as menacingly. He was wrong if he could scare me and make me speak. I wasn't a weakling.

"Admitting everything doesn't mean that you're weak," he said.

What the fuck? Oh well, answering with a simple answer wouldn't hurt, right? "I don't have a family."

"Your father? Your mother? Your sister?" he asked again with his eyebrow raised.

"My only family, Kaoru, died years ago. My father? I consider him dead the moment he walked out on Kaoru. And sister? You must be kidding me. I'm alone, so why bother going through all this? Why bother living?" Shit. In the end, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Persona was good; he knew the way to make someone speak. I was so damned for letting our more than I should.

***

I awoke in the middle of the night due to the sharp pain in my head. This frequently happened, but I never told the doctors. The pain had gotten worse these days, but it was less frequent than before. My head throbbed, making me wince. I needed painkillers, or anything to stop the pain.

I lay sprawled on the hard bunk, sweating profusely due to the pain. I balled my fist, willing the pain to cease. I tried to distract my mind, trying to concentrate on other things, but it was hard with the excruciating pain overcoming my sanity. It felt like there was a fire burning under my skin, consuming me bits by bits, until the only thing left of me would be ashes.

Was this how Kaoru felt? Had she been through this torture all her life? Kaoru wasn't much of a mother figure to me, but she was the only family I had. Sometimes I wondered how she felt all those time. Did she even realize I exist?

Just like that, I was brought back to my past.

***

_It was my tenth birthday, but Kaoru didn't seem to remember it. She wasn't even home the whole day. We had just moved to a new apartment, which was more rundown than our initial home. It contained only of one room, one bathroom, and a joint kitchen-living-dining room. Kaoru took the room, of course, and I had to sleep on the couch, or sometimes I would sleep in her room as well, when she wasn't home for days._

_I was used to this. Sometimes she would disappear without telling me, but the longest she disappeared was only for five days, and I could survive with it. I didn't really know what she did out there, but I knew there was something wrong with her ever since that day I spotted her talking to the air._

_My musing was interrupted when I heard the sound of the door being opened. My face brightened a bit when I saw that it was my mother, looking extremely tired and angry. I helped her by taking the grocery bag from her and put it on the kitchen floor._

_"Natsume, I have a surprise for you," she stated cheerfully._

_My eyes gleamed with excitement. Did she remember about my birthday? "What is it, Kaoru?" Yeah, she refused to let me call her 'mom', she wanted me to call her by her name. How weird was it?_

_"I have a new boyfriend and he's extremely rich. Soon enough, perhaps we'll move out of this dump." She grinned._

_My face fell a little when I realized that there was no way she would ever remember my birthday. As far as I knew, she sometimes resented the fact that she kept me. Still, I couldn't hate her, she was my mother. "Good for you." I faked cheerfulness. I wasn't the most cheerful person out there, but I tried to be cheerful in front of Kaoru. In school though, I was known as the cold-hearted brat._

_"Now help me arrange the groceries, will you? I really need to sleep." With that, I was left alone in the living room. I tried not to cry, I was already nine years old, for Heaven's sake. It was so not manly for me to cry, but I couldn't help the soft sobs that escaped my lips. _

_But I should look from the positive side. Kaoru was happy, which meant she wouldn't hit me. I would be safe around her for the few days to come, as long as her cheerfulness was still present._

_Sometimes I wondered, was I the only person living like this? Was this normal for a nine-year-old? _

_I took out a small strawberry shortcake that I bought with my own money, I planned on sharing this with Kaoru, but I guess I was left to enjoy it alone. "Happy birthday to myself," I murmured as I took a bite out of the cake. It was my most favorite cake, but I couldn't taste it at all, all I could taste was the saltiness of my tears._

_***_

Stupid fucking dream. Why was I always reminded of my past?

I guess it was the only thing I could cling to, the only proof that I existed. Or was this merely a dream as well? Could I suddenly wake up and realize that everything was just a dream? Fuck. I was getting nowhere with this stupid thinking. My mind, shut up already.

My headache had ceased, I felt a whole lot better, but still not perfectly fit. Fucking headache. Fucking place. Fucking schmucks. I knew exactly who to blame for my condition . . . but I couldn't. I was just a fucking schmuck, and would continue to be one for the rest of my life. The only thing waiting for me out there was death, but even now death had rejected me. Then why was I still here? What could be worse than this? Even death didn't want me . . . Then who wanted me?

**Sakura Mikan**

"Don't worry Mikan, you'll love the place," Hotaru said from the driver seat.

I gave a snort, "How can I love it when I don't even want to go there? Besides, it's a rehab centre,_ rehab_, Hotaru!"

Hotaru looked at me through the rear view mirror and I crossed my arms. I stuck out my tongue at her; ok so maybe I was acting childish but there was no way I could get out of this. I could just imagine the place, everyone were probably kept in cells and maybe when I got there I could lead a revolution! Yeah, we could lock up the doctors in the cells. The thought made me giggle.

"What's so funny?" she asked in an irritated tone. "It's none of your business!" I snapped at her and went back to my melancholic mood. She let out a deep sigh, "Look Mikan we're only doing this to help you."

"Then help me by taking me back home."

"The centre will be your new home."

"Oh yea, it will be as comfortable as hell." Hotaru suddenly swerved the car to the side of the road and stopped.

"What is your problem Mikan?!" she shouted at me as she turned around to face me.

"My problem, well, gee, let's see…" I said, cupping my chin. "First, I have a failed attempt at suicide which I was gladly looking forward to. Second, I'm being taken to…to…a prison cell!" I gritted my teeth.

"My god, Mikan; it's a rehabilitation centre! It helps you get back to being yourself."

"Oh yeah I can already feel its effect," I said sarcastically. Living with Hotaru taught me how to be as sarcastic as possible. Hotaru glared at me then turned back and started the car. I immediately felt guilty; I shouldn't have talked to her like that. She's only trying to help.

We finally reached the centre and a guy with long blond hair came running out to meet us. We get out of the car, "Ah, hello you must be Sakura Mikan," he said.

"No, I'm Tinkerbell," I muttered.

"Please excuse her; she's just being _bitchy _today." Hotaru stood at my side and smiled at me. I gave her a dirty look. There were no other buildings near the centre, the walls were painted yellow and there was a glass door.

"Come on; let's go inside while I explain the rules." So, he picked my bags up and we went in. There was a metal detector of some sort, "We don't want any things that can cause injury, like knives, metal, belts, etc."

"How about paper cuts?" I asked.

"Excuse me?"

"Don't pay any attention to her," Hotaru said and I glared at her. A girl with red hair started to open my bag.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

"Oh, I have to check for any dangerous instruments," She said and started going through my stuff. She removed a couple of stuff and took them away.

"Now," Narumi started, "we want you to maintain a journal recording every thought and things you've done." He handed me a small notebook.

"And how's that going to help me?" I asked skeptically.

"You'll see." He smiled at me and I raised an eyebrow. "Come I'll show you your room." He led us down the hall; there were other rooms and the doors were open. "We don't have locks, just in case," he explained. I saw a girl with green hair in one room she was lying on the bed with her legs up in the air talking to herself with a mirror she was holding, there was a young guy talking to stuffed animals and in one room, I saw a raven haired guy. He was looking out the window; he must have noticed me staring at him because he turned to look at me. Stupid old me stood there staring at his…crimson eyes.

"Oh my god," I whispered. Ok, had anyone in the history of humankind ever seen anyone with crimson eyes? I meant, only vampires had those, right? His eyes seemed to bore into my soul and I felt faint. Was...was he a vampire? Oh God, I was living with a vampire! I placed a hand over my mouth and ran until I caught up with Narumi and Hotaru; he was opening a door.

"Welcome home, Mikan," he said cheerfully.

"Welcome to Hell," I muttered to myself.

*******

The next day, I had a session with…what was his name again? People? Human? It had something to do with person. Oh well, I didn't care anyway. I opened the door of his office and stepped in. Everything was black; maybe the guy had a black heart too. Wow, what a cheerful thought.

"Good morning, Mikan." He wished me and beckoned me to sit down. I saw his name on one of the certificates on the wall: Dr. Serio. Oh, so that's his name. Weird. "So how was your stay so far?" I didn't answer. I decided to make his job as hard as possible. I wasn't going to reveal anything. "So you're not going to talk huh?"

_Well, what do you think?_

"Fine then, I'll just ask the questions and it doesn't matter if you don't answer." Somehow that made me felt uneasy. I shifted in my seat, squirming under his gaze. He opened a drawer and took out a file. He opened it. "It says that you were in a bike accident three months ago." I kept quiet and bit my lip.

How the hell did he know about my personal experiences? He had no right!

But I still kept quiet. "You were the only one who lived." He continued. "Your friend, Ryan, died." He said it with no emotion, like it didn't matter at all, like Ryan was an insignificant human being. I took a deep breath, trying to stop my sobs. He watched me carefully, "Or maybe he was more than a friend, hmm? Did you love him Mikan?" I stared at him. "You know sometimes telling everything helps. So tell me, did you love him?" I nodded. "He was more than a friend?" I nodded again. Anyone who saw me must have thought I was auditioning for a Noddy contest.

"Tell me how it happened?" I didn't answer. I looked down at my feet; I didn't want to tell him anything.

"One day he and you decided to go out for a ride." He started as if he was reading a story for a child. "He decided to test the speed and half way through the ride he found out that the brakes didn't work."

_Oh god please, I don't want to remember. _I rubbed my eyes, trying to hold back the tears.

"So what did he do Mikan? Did he tell you?" My eyes started to water and I shook my head. "Did he tell you?" he asked me again.

"N…no." I answered

"But he gave you his helmet for no reason and the next thing you knew both of you crashed into a car." The accident flashed back in my mind, I held my head as I started to cry but Persona wouldn't stop. "You and Ryan were rushed to the hospital and Ryan died."

"Shut up!" I screamed at him as I got up. "Who the hell do you think you are?! How dare you read my personal records?! How dare you tell me about the accident like it was a fucking fairytale?"

"Mikan…"

"I don't want to hear anything anymore!" I ran out of the room with my hands over my face, sobbing my heart out. I didn't care if people stared at me, they were insignificant to me. My arm brushed against someone but I didn't care. I ran to my room and fell on my bed. I clenched my hand and hit the bed, hoping it would stop the memory.

The painful memory.

But it didn't.

"Stop!" I screamed to no one in particular. "Stop please." I threw my pillow at my bag and it fell. A small purple jar fell to the ground; I gasped and picked it up. "I'm sorry," I whispered to it. The jar contained the only thing left of Ryan; his ashes. I sat on my bed and caressed the jar. "I'm sorry, Ryan; you know I didn't mean it. It's just so hard to be without you." I stopped and started to think out loud. "What's Heaven like?"

"Do you get to eat there? I'm sure you're happy there, Ryan. I bet you've forgotten about me," I said, forcing a laugh. "But I'll never forget you. Well, what about Hell? I'm sure I have an idea of hell." I smiled at the jar. "You want to know? Well, it's like a rehab centre, I'm sure. Or maybe it is a rehab centre, maybe that's Hell. An eternity in a rehab centre; hmm…I'm sure I'll end up there and…oh well, I might as well get used to this one so when I get there I'll be prepared. You know, I really envy you, Ryan. You are such a lucky boy getting to Heaven." I laughed. "I think I'll sleep now." I placed the jar on the table next to my bed. "Love you, Ryan." I kissed my fingers and touched the jar. I smiled and slept, falling into a dreamless sleep.

**End of Chapter One**

**You know the drill, Vi-chan was the one who wrote Natsume's as usual, and Kitty did Mikan's. Tell us what you think of it, please! Don't forget to review!  
**

**A side note from Vi-chan: guys, please tell me if my Natsume's POV is a bit too ... intense? I'll try to tune it down if you think it's too intense. And about him crying, I know Hyuuga Natsume does not cry (okay, he did once) but I think it's impossible not to cry in that situation even though you're not a crybaby. I just need to explain that.  
**


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